It is 12:30 am, and I am sitting here in the eye of the growth spurt feeding storm...so let me share with you some of the things I’ve learned about newborns! Ready?! Did you fall asleep already? Well, unless your babies are older, we all know you’ll be up in just a few short hours. For the rest of you that are still with me, let’s get elbow deep in this!
HERE WE GO!
1) You don’t know shit...literally. Bright yellow, mustard seedy, bright green and rank as fuck poop is now your life. Day 1 of their lives? One poop...day 2? 2 poops. Day 3? 5000 poops. Get used to it being everywhere as well. Babies are master shit throwers. This one time I ended up with it on my arm, and face. It’s great. And by great I mean HOW CAN ONE TINY PERSON PRODUCE THEIR OWN WEIGHT IN EXCREMENT IN A SINGLE DAY!? WHAT IS IN BREAST MILK OR FORMULA?! Forget laxatives as an adult. Slug back some of the stuff they drink. Pretty sure you’ll be rocket powered, much like a baby.
**If you do not have children and are reading this, and you said ‘gross’ or cringed, please get on some contraceptive like...yesterday. This motherhood life isn’t for the faint of heart. JUST KIDDING! I got poop on my finger the other day and cried while gagging**
2) sleep when they sleep? No! Sleep when you can! Newborns sleep a lot, and while it would give you a chance to catch up on some much needed shut eye since your crotch goblin(s) either ruined your downstairs or you had to be cut open and squeezed like a navel orange getting juiced, it’s just not plausible for everyone. Between washing, and disinfecting bottles, breast pumping, feeding, burping, changing, and trying to care for yourself you are now basically a walking fun factory of sleep deprivation. That feeling you get when you’re super drunk is now your life. Embrace it. 20 year olds drink for that specific reason and you get it for free! Winning!
3) Everyone is full of advice. You don’t need to take it all, and you have the worlds shortest fuse. Thanks hormones! Hate listening to great aunt Gladys talk about how back in her day the doctor recommended smoking at least twice a day to keep stress down with a newborn? Here’s a trick for you....practice tuning things out! You’re gonna need this trick for when the kid is older anyways. Pretend you have a lovely little house in your brain. Now imagine closing all of the blinds and acting like you’re not home when a Jehovah witness or a political party member rings your doorbell and asks for five minutes of your time. Or maybe you answer that door, and nod along blankly while secretly wondering what to make for supper. Take your pick.
Snap back to reality! Take the advice and put it in your back pocket...or be like me and say that’s nice because fuck you isn’t PC enough for everyday life.
4) If and when you can get a shower, you will probably cry in there. Need a minute away from your baby? Bathroom cry. Making supper for yourself or your partner? Salt that boiling water with your tears, babygirl! Master all of these places to cry. It’s cathartic and you will absolutely have many mini breakdowns. Embrace them. They mean you are in fact still alive. And so is your baby because chances are they are also crying!! Which means...CONGRATULATIONS YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT!! Which brings me to the next point...
5) expectations= ALL TIME LOW! I know you wanted to be super mom and already be baking Lemon scones for tea time and cooking four course meals while your perfect angel sleeps on a bed of kittens and your hair is brushed with a full face of makeup. If this is actually you, fuck off. That’s not fair. Skip number 5 and go to hell. I mean six. Go read six.
For the rest of us? THAT IS NOT LIFE. Rule of thumb is: has the baby eaten? Good. Have you? Even better. Did you sleep a little bit? Awesomeness! Bathroom cry?! NOW YOU ARE A SUPERHERO! Forget chores. Laundry doesn’t go anywhere. And it definitely does not grow legs and help out around the house. It stays put. Go easy on yourself okay? You just let out basically one giant uterine fart after almost 10 months (or less....expectations...be gentle on you) and it demands all of your energy. The worst part is that there are no ghostbusters to help out with your little womb ghost. You are the whole ghostbusters team now, girl. And you’ve got this.
6) You are going to LOATHE your partner at times. Actually you may loathe the world...but your partner? Oh boy....They get a good night sleep, or better than you...and it sucks. It’s okay to be jealous. It’s okay to mutter the word “asshole” under your breath at them then when they complain about being tired. Every mom gets it. You had a tiny tater tot attached to your now raw nipples all night, that also demands to be changed. Wait...did I just describe my partner? Kidding!!! All joking aside...Please remember that you married the asshole, or are in a relationship for a reason. They are your ally (though it doesn’t feel like it), and they’re in this lovely journey with you. UTILIZE THEM!! They can cook. They can clean or watch the baby while you nap or catch up on your correspondence. I don’t care what you do, but remember that they are on your side. Put down the baseball bat, and remember all the good things about them. I know it’s tough. But think about your first date. Or your favourite memory with them!
Unless of course you and baby are in danger. If they hurt you, or anyone you love (physically or emotionally) please seek help. You can count on me and MY baseball bat. I’m an angry short thing that has some aggression to get out on some knees. I’ve got your back.
7) breast vs bottle. ....weird. I felt tense there for a second. Almost as if the keyboard warriors were gearing up. It’s like I’m Harry Potter and I have a cool scar that aches when Voldemort is around! Back to the point....who gives a shit!!? Do what is right for you! Can’t breast feed? It’s okay! It’s super difficult and I have issues. Most babies aren’t geniuses and can’t figure it out either. Especially if they’re preemies. It’s not your fault. It’s not your nipples (unless it is, in that case, we have nipple guards for a reason! Bam! You’re like Emril of breastfeeding! Dinner is served). This shit happens. If you prefer formula, then by all means GO FOR IT. This is your baby, and it is your decision. Don’t let anyone mom shame you, or feel bad if you aren’t producing enough if any milk, hate breastfeeding, are too stressed to do it, or are like me and get so frustrated that you just can’t function so you turn to formula. YOU ARE HUMAN, THAT IS YOUR CHILD AND FOOD IS FOOD! My god, nobody would turn down a steak if they were starving. Unless they were vegan. ....please don’t start your newborns life as a vegan. I believe there would be complications but what do I know?! I’m not a doctor.
8 ) it’s okay to put the baby down if you are too frustrated. Walking away is okay. That does NOT make you a bad mom. That does not make you a failure. On the contrary! That makes you an exceptional parent that KNOWS THEIR LIMIT AND STICKS WITHIN IT. Yeah, okay that’s an ad line for drinking alcohol and driving I believe...or was it gambling? Whatever... it works for raising a tiny play doh fun factory as well. If you are at your wits ends and your baby won’t stop? It’s okay to put them down and walk away. Take a few minutes! Gather your poop. Put it all in a group or like your child, put it in a diaper! It takes an exceptional person to walk away and know your boundaries as a parent. Never ever feel bad for that. While a newborn cannot self soothe, they can cry for a few minutes. As my pediatrician told me; it doesn’t hurt them. It only hurts your ears.
9) a baby shart vs a poop...I had no idea. I have twins, and diapers are expensive. Did you know that babies go through at least 10 diapers a day? I swear I am the sole responsibility for global warming at this point but I promise I’ll plant some trees. Anyways...babies shart. It’s not even a little turtle head poking out, unless they’re super constipated (if this is the case please call your doctor). It’s runny and gross. And if there’s a little bit, you best believe that it’s all about to come out full speed ahead as soon as that cold bum wipe touches a bootycheek. So...don’t. It’s okay to leave it for a bit until the coast is...less than clear. I changed my girls diaper a total of five times in one sitting because I didn’t know the rule of “let it stew for 30 minutes”. Babies are notorious for pooping a little and then waiting. They don’t have control over their bodies yet...not their fault. Don’t feel bad for waiting to change. If I can save someone the five diapers I changed in mere minutes, then I am doing something right.
10) postpartum depression is FUCKING ROUGH. The baby blues as people call them are a literal hell on earth. The first two weeks of parenthood are meant to break you. Those little crotch goblins are adorable, don’t get me wrong but in those first fourteen days your body is going through a massive adjustment period. Everything just changed. Your body, your life, your soul, your free time, your hormones (or as I like to call them: Horror-mones) and your nipples too. All of you now belongs to the tiny chicken nugget you grew for months on end. You thought you were tired before? Jokes on you. Welcome to baby fight club. Rule number one? Accept your ass kicking.
But back to my point. Postpartum depression is no joke. It hit me so hard that I cried in every part of my house, and the one time was found in my closet holding a pillow and rocking back and forth...full on panic attack and whimpering. I am not ashamed to say I struggled...hard. Still do. They came out and they didn’t feel like mine. They came out and I was so scared of how I was supposed to be responsible for two babies when I can’t even keep a succulent alive. So here I am! I am medicated, because my brain cannot create what it needs to be happy and that’s okay. My point is that you need to do what it takes for you to be okay. Don’t be ashamed. Ask for help. Because you deserve it, and it truly takes a village to raise a baby.
11. DOING THINGS FOR YOU IS OKAY, OKAY?! I don’t give a shit if those perfect moms that probably wore heels while pregnant are judging me right now (I’m looking at you, with the “I need to speak to a manager” haircut) but it is OKAY to go out for dinner, or to need to take a break outside and go for a walk while someone watches your womb fruit. This does not make you a bad mother. It does not make you weak. It makes you smart. Those babies feed off of stress, and like a damn Doppler...they pick up on it and will get stressed. That’s going to make things a billion times harder. So take some you time. Date nights, going back to work, eating chocolates in the bath...do what it takes. Self care is now a big part in your journey in parenthood. You give 99% to your babies (or baby) and 1% to yourself. Take it.
Be kind to yourself. Be kind to your babies, but more importantly please please please be kind to other moms. If they feed their kid nuggets that’s their choice. If they feed their child boogers then maybe ask questions but we need to lean on each other and learn from one another while showing our children that it’s okay to make mistakes but that there are kind people out there.
And finally my little sweet-peas are finally asleep. But will wake up in about 45 minutes thanks to a thing called “clusterfeeding” which is when they will magically turn back into crotch goblins and I will probably cry on the inside due to lack of sleep. It’s time for a shower.
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